It is an expected fact throughout almost every species that parents are inherently responsible for the well-being of their offspring. Across almost every culture, parents are expected to revolve their world around their children throughout their upbringing as well as the first few formative years of their adulthood.
This seemingly unconditional care and love by the parents is often met with an expectation of reverence and reciprocation from the children as they solidify themselves as adults. Once this expectation of filial duty begins to conflict with the personal autonomy of adult children, a strenuous relationship emerges. Hence, there is a growing sentiment that we do not owe our parents anything.
What is Filial Duty?
With minor exceptions in details subject to cultural differences and gender roles. The path of a person in the modern world is considered straightforward. One will go through their education, find a job, a spouse, bear children and take care of their parents as they age.
The last part of this over simplified version of life falls under a socially constructed responsibility known as filial duty. It is the moral obligation to respect, care for and love one's parents and elder family members. It is a duty encoded in cultural practices and religious doctrine alike.
Filial duty is an expectation that many people are expected to fulfil. Although the care for ageing family members is the more pronounced and important part of it. There is the belief that one's responsibility to their parents is not limited to care but fulfilment of their wishes.
Revisiting the over simplified path of one's life. In most non-western cultures one is expected to study what their parents wish, work in the domains of their parents wishes, marry whom their parents approve and maintain that approval and satisfaction of their parents. This is however in direct conflict with the personal independence and new found autonomy of young adults.
The Role of Personal Autonomy
Personal autonomy is in effect an extension of the right to freedom. Personal autonomy is expected to operate within specific parental guidelines when a child, adolescent or young adult still lives with a degree of dependency to their parents.
However as one begins to explore their adulthood this autonomy ought to be explored to the fullest. It is through this exploration, impending mistakes and ventures that one discovers themselves.
Personal autonomy of one's actions and thoughts are critical in shaping one's sense of self. However the ever encroachment of parental influence, even after adult independence is in direct conflict with the idea of personal autonomy.
Parental Investment and Expectations vs Personal Autonomy
It goes without saying that parents have the almighty duty of investing in their children to the best of their abilities. What shape or form that investment looks like are abstract and vary greatly depending on the parents economic, societal and geographic locations. Although bare minimums of what a parent should provide are described in most constitutions. Society still expects parents to go above and beyond these guidelines and sacrifice time, energy and resources to cater to their children's needs.
This parental sacrifice is one that society almost unanimously agrees cannot be replicated, except by a parent. However in some instances, the sacrifice is held over the growing and adult children as an unpayable debt that they are always expected to chase.
Children are then expected to keep chasing this approval with disregard for their own interests and compromise their own autonomy. Whatever form of resistance is often viewed as a great sin against the institution of parenthood. This sin is met with arguments of “I'm your parent and I know better.”, “You're dead to me if you marry so and so” or “You cannot hope to repay my sacrifices I've made for you.”. The sentiments are echoed almost verbatim across cultures and have no suitable rebuttal.
Parental Responsibility is Not an Investment
There's a blurred line that is repeatedly crossed between the perception of parental responsibility and investment. However, parental responsibility is not an investment. It is the responsibility of the parents to go above and beyond for their children without the expectation of a ‘return in investment’. The return on investment should be in the positve affects of the investment on the children's lives.
This is not to say that filial piety is obsolete. Children have a responsibility to their parents as they gain independence; however, this responsibility should not be conflated with debt as it is so often.
Simply put, it was a parent's choice to be a parent, not a child's choice to be born and they cannot be held to a contract they had no part in agreeing to. As such children have the absolute right to go about their lives as independent beings.
Conclusion
The parent and child relationship is a complex one. It is fraught with emotions, responsibilities and expectations. The navigation of this complex affair should be traversed with love and care as the cardinal north.
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